I really don't know. I grew up in a good neighborhood, with good values and morals. I grew up in a family that went to church and believed in God. I grew up very fast, my parents divorced, and I became the woman of the house - like it or not. I learned how to run a household and run a business, I did well in school. I moved out on my 18th birthday, 2 months before high school graduation, went to school got a job and had a great life. Then I met a man, a Jewish man with a capital J and a chip on his shoulder. My father died, and I was alone,and with out guidance, and with a lot of money, This man asked me to marry him, and I did. I married this man, this man who loved money, more than he loved me. I was young 19 when we met, barely 21 when we were married. We started having kids, he started spending my money. He didn't listen to me, but he wasn't mean. At least not yet.
He wasn't mean until we ran out of money for him to spend. Slowly as the fount of money trickled away, and he was forced to work like most people he became angry, bitter, resentful, and hurtful. He began saying things to hurt, yelling to control, threatening to scare. It wasn't apparent at first, it wasn't apparent for years, it wasn't apparent till now. As time went on treating me like this was not enough and he started in on the children, the innocent little children who loved him so much, once they could talk and walk, they started to get it as well a little at a time, till they got it as much as me. This also wasn't apparent at first, it wasn't apparent for years, it wasn't apparent till now. I mean who would treat their wife that way? who would treat their kids that way?
This man would and this man did. This man that held me in his control until I no longer knew who I was; this man whose actions put our 9 year old son into the crises center for suicidal thoughts. This man who one day finally pushed to far, and I was unable to overlook it, or excuse his treatment in any way. This man whom I once loved and started a family I had now seen him as he truly is, and could no longer stand idly by and let him continue his reign of torment over us. This man who as he learned the time of his terror was done could only keep repeating " I never hit you. I never hit you or the kids." His one saving grace, that he repeats as a mantra to all who will listen. And it is true, he never hit us, but what he did do was worse, much worse, so very much more worse than simply hitting us.
This man is no longer here. But I am. I am here in a place I never dreamed I would be; A single mother of 5; one who has just learned to walk, a feisty preschooler, a bright huggable little fellow, an intelligent girlygirl, and a blue boy. Here we are living in poverty, white trash in a rundown house, with a beat up car, on foodstamps and Medicaid, WIC and family handouts. With a CPS worker and a social services counselor, trying to get through things just a day at a time, and I sit here wondering just how did I get here?
He wasn't mean until we ran out of money for him to spend. Slowly as the fount of money trickled away, and he was forced to work like most people he became angry, bitter, resentful, and hurtful. He began saying things to hurt, yelling to control, threatening to scare. It wasn't apparent at first, it wasn't apparent for years, it wasn't apparent till now. As time went on treating me like this was not enough and he started in on the children, the innocent little children who loved him so much, once they could talk and walk, they started to get it as well a little at a time, till they got it as much as me. This also wasn't apparent at first, it wasn't apparent for years, it wasn't apparent till now. I mean who would treat their wife that way? who would treat their kids that way?
This man would and this man did. This man that held me in his control until I no longer knew who I was; this man whose actions put our 9 year old son into the crises center for suicidal thoughts. This man who one day finally pushed to far, and I was unable to overlook it, or excuse his treatment in any way. This man whom I once loved and started a family I had now seen him as he truly is, and could no longer stand idly by and let him continue his reign of torment over us. This man who as he learned the time of his terror was done could only keep repeating " I never hit you. I never hit you or the kids." His one saving grace, that he repeats as a mantra to all who will listen. And it is true, he never hit us, but what he did do was worse, much worse, so very much more worse than simply hitting us.
This man is no longer here. But I am. I am here in a place I never dreamed I would be; A single mother of 5; one who has just learned to walk, a feisty preschooler, a bright huggable little fellow, an intelligent girlygirl, and a blue boy. Here we are living in poverty, white trash in a rundown house, with a beat up car, on foodstamps and Medicaid, WIC and family handouts. With a CPS worker and a social services counselor, trying to get through things just a day at a time, and I sit here wondering just how did I get here?
No comments:
Post a Comment