Sunday, February 27, 2011

why didn't he become a man...

I just don't understand how these past 10 years he never grew up.  Marrying as young as I did, I expected that we would grow together, that we would adapt and learn and explore life together, that we would experience parenthood together, raise our kids together, grow up together.  But somehow he didn't.  He didn't help raise our kids, he never changed a diaper willingly, and unwillingly only changed 4 out 5 kids and almost 10 years of diapers thats not much.  He didn't work hard for the family, he didn't work hard with the family.  He worked hard at nothing.  He did not take responsibility for anything.  He went through jobs like toilet paper, he didn't study to excel, he didn't care

When he told me he was playing bachelor a few years ago I should have taken notice, when he was fired from a job a few years before that for sexual harassment I should have done something, when  he would go and get high instead of going to the park with our first child I should have stepped back and looked at what his and my life was going to be.

I wish when I had talked to him over the summer, when I had told him things needed to change I wish he had listened.  I wish he had looked for a job instead of continueing to ask his dad for money.  I wish he had stayed home at night instead of going off to get druck, and high, and party, I wish he had helped around the house, played with his kids instead of yelled at them, taught them to do things instead of made them feel worthless.

Why didn't he just grow up to be a man...

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines Day

This day was peaceful, and I liked that.  Yesterday I made the kids a special Valentines breakfast, I woke them up today with small gifts for each of them (long sleeved red t-shirts that were on clearance from Walmart - 4 out of 5 wore them, albeit not necessarily the one that was meant for them), a nap with the 2 youngest after lunch, and looking through the kids valentines with them after they got home.  A trip to the barn revealed a new bull calf,  I think I'll name him Valentino :)

That man left roses on the front step for all his girls, that was nice of him, his daughters liked them, and so did I, but that doesn't change a thing about who he is.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Not a health hazard

Oh.My.Goodness.  That man is insane, yesterday he told me the house was a health hazard.  I then reacted as I am sure he wanted me to, stopped what I really  needed to get done, like my work, preparing for the weekends farmers market, and sending out new referrals and website updates.

As he drove away, I began to frantically clean, I washed the dishes, I vacuumed the whole house and mopped the floors, I took folded laundry up to the bedrooms, I picked up toys off the floor, and wiped down the bathroom.  I was done as the bus pulled up, and my motherly duties called.  Homework and snacks, valentines and crafts, farm chores and projects, dinner and baths, bedtime and a call to my mom.

My mom said that man knew what he was doing, he was trying to agitate and harass me.  She asked what I cleaned and pointed out, that that is not dirty, it is messy.  I think I knew that, but he just gets to me.  having toys out that kids are plaiyng with, having dishes in the sink or folded laundry waiting to be put away is not dirty.  Even the floors were not really dirty, especially when you consider that we do live on a farm and it is snow-boot season, and there are 5 kids and 2 dogs that frequently go in and out of the house.

Well, he succeeded.  I normally clean after the kids are in bed, when it is to late for me to do any work that requires phone calls.  I ended up calling my babysitters house after 9:15 (yikes) just not something you should do, but I needed to talk with her.  She was already asleep so I spoke with her mom instead.  I couldn't make my calls on the websites or the referrals, I was to tired to prepare for the farmers market (I just wasn't up to 2 hours + of jam making at that point).

Today is going to be a hectic one, as I now have to do all of todays work including prepping for kids tests tomorrow, making snack for one of the kids snack day, and picking up the old dog from surgery at the vets, and domestic abuse counseling, along with what didn't get done yesterday.  Wish me luck.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Snooping

That man has been snooping around, he sees tire tracks in the driveways and wants to know who was here, the kids tell him, it was the Hay man, thats no secret. But what he doesn't know is that it was also the plumber, and the towtruck man. He comes by to pick up something the kids brought back with them from his house, he comes back with things they forgot, 3 separate times.   He wanders out to the barn and looks for things, or at things, or who knows.  He tries to tell me what to do, he tries to tell me what I'm not doing, that the house is not clean enough, that I am not doing things his way.

For instance he wants me to climb up on the metal roof and shovel off the snow.  He has done this *once* and that was the day before the contractor was coming to put on the new roof.  I am not climbing on an icy metal roof to shovel off snow; We don't live in a trailer or a double wide, their is no reason to do that. The metal roof is designed to heave the snow off when it gets to heavy.  He told me to shovel it off last week, I just said I would take care of it, and rolled my eyes when he walked away.  He told the kids to tell me to shovel the roof off, I told them no, and explained how metal roofs work.  then guess what?  the roof heaved last night and all the snow came off into a nice big pile.  Today he told me again to shovel it and I told him to go and take a look, it didn't need to be done.  He is such as idiot, I wonder why I ever married him sometimes.

Frankly I could care less what he thinks, or how he wants me to do things.  I wish he would stop coming and nosing around.  I wish the judge would have given me the order the order of protection I had requested so he wasn't just popping up all the time.

Oh, and he is so mad that I changed the locks, he is ad-emit that I can't do that.  And feels it is wrong that I put a *gasp* collar on the dog, and a reflective one at that so that when he runs across the road to the barn at night cars can see him (one of the inherent risks of being a quick black dog, is that it is very hard for cars to see you at night), and utterly dismayed that I have the gall to put the dog in a kennel when I leave the house.   When we had a hunting dog we did it all the time, but the thought that I am putting this dog (his dog that he choose not to take with him, and rented a place where dogs are not allowed) in the kennel when I leave the house horrifies him as if I were whipping him!  And the dog actually gets a choice, he can either come with me ( this choice is not always available), stay outside and go over to the barn, or go in the kennel.  And guess what when it is 10 degrees outside before wind chill, he is more than happy to stay in the kennel.  And I am more than happy to put him in there if it means no ripped up papers or chewed up toys when I return.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

How did I get here...

I really don't know.  I grew up in a good neighborhood, with good values and morals.  I grew up in a family that went to church and believed in God.  I grew up very fast, my parents divorced, and I became the woman of the house - like it or not. I learned how to run a household and run a business, I did well in school. I moved out on my 18th birthday, 2 months before high school graduation, went to school got a job and had a great life.  Then I met a man, a Jewish man with a capital J and a chip on his shoulder.  My father died, and I was alone,and with out guidance, and with a lot of money,  This man asked me to marry him, and I did.  I married this man, this man who loved money, more than he loved me.  I was young 19 when we met, barely 21 when we were married.  We started having kids, he started spending my money.  He didn't listen to me, but he wasn't mean.  At least not yet.

He wasn't mean until we ran out of money for him to spend.  Slowly as the fount of money trickled away, and he was forced to work like most people he became angry, bitter, resentful, and hurtful.  He began saying things to hurt, yelling to control, threatening to scare.  It wasn't apparent at first, it wasn't apparent for years, it wasn't apparent till now. As time went on treating me like this was not enough and he started in on the children, the innocent little children who loved him so much, once they could talk and walk, they started to get it as well a little at a time, till they got it as much as me.  This also wasn't apparent at first, it wasn't apparent for years, it wasn't apparent till now.   I mean who would treat their wife that way?  who would treat their kids that way?

This man would and this man did.  This man that held me in his control until I no longer knew who I was; this man whose actions put our 9 year old son into the crises center for suicidal thoughts.  This man who one day finally pushed to far, and I was unable to overlook it, or excuse his treatment in any way.  This man whom I once loved and started a family I had now seen him as he truly is, and could no longer stand idly by and let him continue his reign of torment over us. This man who as he learned the time of his terror was done could only keep repeating " I never hit you.  I never hit you or the kids."  His one saving grace, that he repeats as a mantra to all who will listen.  And it is true, he never hit us, but what he did do was worse, much worse, so very much more worse than simply hitting us.

This man is no longer here.  But I am.  I am here in a place I never dreamed I would be; A  single mother of 5; one who has just learned to walk, a feisty preschooler, a bright huggable little fellow, an intelligent girlygirl, and a blue boy.  Here we are living in poverty, white trash in a rundown house, with a beat up car, on foodstamps and Medicaid, WIC and family handouts.  With a CPS worker and a social services counselor, trying to get through things just a day at a time, and I sit here wondering just how did I get here?