Can't he see how he hurts them...

How can That Man  not see how he hurts them, how he makes them feel worthless, unimportant, and in his way?  Can't he see that all his 2 little football players wanted to do was watch the game, the biggest game of the year, and not just part of it, but the whole. damn. thing.

Couldn't he tell how important it was when I asked him to allow them to stay and watch since we have no TV at home?  and last years tears over missing the game broke my heart?  Wouldn't he want to spend every precious moment with his little ones?  bonding with his football boys in manly ways while they still want to do it with him and not be with their friends?  Why is His Girlfriends boys more important than his own?

Who cares if the girls fall asleep on the sofa?  Who cares if they have to be carried to the car?  Who cares as long as they don't?

The boys got in my car and started to cry, cry on the way home because I came to pick them up before the game was over.  I came because I was called and told they were ready to go, I was told to go now, not in 10 minutes, not in 5 but now.  They wanted to come home.  Well, apparently he forgot to ask them what it was they wanted and instead did what he wanted, yet again.  Broken little hearts, yet again...

Luckily I found it on the radio and the radio could get them through the car ride, at home I quickly found the radio station on the internet and now there in their room my football boys are laying in bed listening to the rest of the big game taking in all they can hear, wishing that they could have still been watching it instead, if only that man had allowed them too.

That ship has sailed...

Ah, dealing with ex's, is just so wonderful, especially ex's that are assholes, that practically moved into their girlfriends house a week after being escorted out of our home by the county sheriff.  It is even more fun, when they are jealous of your new "boyfriend", that doesn't exist, don't believe you when you tell them, eye you up and down like they know better and you are a piece of trash, and then turn around and ask for a quickie when they realize none of your 5 little children are home.  Yeah, asshole, I'm going to do you.  Nope, That ship, my friend, has sailed...

Backhanded complement?

How we perceive our selves is something that a lot of things factor, how we were brought up, where we lived, if we had money, friends, siblins, family and accomplishments. But it's also ever changing how people speak to us, look at us, view us, and interact with us, and who finds us worth interacting with. It's interesting how you can feel great about yourself 1 second and someone can say something in passing conversation to them that to you is like someone came out and smacked you across the chest with a huge baseball bat. Comments that make you stop and think, are they completely clueless or didn't they realize I would take offense at that? Now don't get me wrong I don't take everything to heart, in fact I've learned to really just let things roll off my back, to spin when the bat hits so it doesn't leave a bruise, to pull up my steel shield and block the blow away as it's happening and to just move out of the way so they don't hit me at all, but sometimes, just sometimes I don't see that big ole' bat coming into it's hit me squarely and knocked me over. Yesterday I received one of those knock-me-over blows, along with a few spinners, what really caught me about these was they weren't the usual ones I receive. The ones I am used to "You look good... for having 5 kids" the "Your house is clean... for living on a farm" or "your house is clean... for having 5 kids" the "I don't know how you manage" with a look of pity in their eyes. Those are normal; those I've come to expect; those I've gotten used to\. I eagerly await the day when someone will not finish those sentences and stop at the compliment which is why I spend hours a week at the gym, and twice that scrubbing baseboards, getting rid of small clutter items, ripping up stained and shredded carpet just to name a few, and have a list a mile long of things that need to be fixed on the house and farm just as soon as I can. But these were different in another way to, they were from a source that is outside of my normal mommy/school/farmer circles. Not a social worker, a doctor, or a trainer. But rather, a friend, a man, a cutie with the best smile and eyes that suck me in, and keep me daydreaming for days. Someone who never comments on the crap in my life or the state of my place, only listens to what I choose to say and not the small town gossips, talks with out worry or heartache, and says not to worry his house is a mess to. A guy who if he's around will take the time to play a game of tag with the kids just because, a guy's guy that baffles me and confuses me, and interests me all at the same time, while not trying to hide his flaws and imperfections. So when his godson made a comment "let's go in age order: me first, then Guy, then Girl (me being the girl and the same age as Guy), I laughed and said what? I'm not the oldest! How old do you think I am? and he said 40. I asked how old he thought his dad was, he said 30. He was wrong on both accounts, since we are both early 30's, but I looked to my friend and asked him how old do you think I look? I know typical girl question, and a question that I thought was in the male handbook given to all boys the day they got their first hard-on. You know the one? the one that has the answers to the questions, "Do these pants make my butt look fat?" "Does this haircut make me look old?" " Is she cuter than me?" You know those ones. with the strict instructions to deny, deny, deny? yeah apparently he didn't get this book, either. How did he answer? He answered " You look 35-36, 5 kids will do that to you." What? What did he just say? And then proceeded on with " I still get carded". Yep, WHACK! A big ole' baseball bat out of nowhere, knocked me over. I just went with it and went last, since it turns out I'm a few months older once we did the birthDAY check, (not birth YEAR) same year different month. Now I know that this should not still be bothering me 2 days later, but it is, and it's become another one of those things that I need to fix, or erase, so that one day I will never, ever, ever hear it again. I think this one is even worse because I don't think I look old, no age spots, no weird pigmentation issues, no scars. Actually I thought my face looked better than ever, thin and trim brows and no stray whiskers or noticeable upper lip hair ( I am very fond of hot wax and tweezers!), no double chin, the only wrinkles I see are frown lines, no visible greys, neutral makeup with foundation/powder, mascara, and lip gloss. I wear a size 6 jean, dress age appropriately for the most part ( if anything I dress to conservatively!) and have all my teeth, white and strait. I am saddened that my self esteem is so low that this phases me, perplexed how the heck to fix it, and frustrated at Guy's response. I have spent the evening searching the internet for some help on this problem but it turns out stress, and abuse, and inadequate nutrition can make one age prematurely and there really isn't anything that can be done about it.