Backhanded complement?

How we perceive our selves is something that a lot of things factor, how we were brought up, where we lived, if we had money, friends, siblins, family and accomplishments. But it's also ever changing how people speak to us, look at us, view us, and interact with us, and who finds us worth interacting with. It's interesting how you can feel great about yourself 1 second and someone can say something in passing conversation to them that to you is like someone came out and smacked you across the chest with a huge baseball bat. Comments that make you stop and think, are they completely clueless or didn't they realize I would take offense at that? Now don't get me wrong I don't take everything to heart, in fact I've learned to really just let things roll off my back, to spin when the bat hits so it doesn't leave a bruise, to pull up my steel shield and block the blow away as it's happening and to just move out of the way so they don't hit me at all, but sometimes, just sometimes I don't see that big ole' bat coming into it's hit me squarely and knocked me over. Yesterday I received one of those knock-me-over blows, along with a few spinners, what really caught me about these was they weren't the usual ones I receive. The ones I am used to "You look good... for having 5 kids" the "Your house is clean... for living on a farm" or "your house is clean... for having 5 kids" the "I don't know how you manage" with a look of pity in their eyes. Those are normal; those I've come to expect; those I've gotten used to\. I eagerly await the day when someone will not finish those sentences and stop at the compliment which is why I spend hours a week at the gym, and twice that scrubbing baseboards, getting rid of small clutter items, ripping up stained and shredded carpet just to name a few, and have a list a mile long of things that need to be fixed on the house and farm just as soon as I can. But these were different in another way to, they were from a source that is outside of my normal mommy/school/farmer circles. Not a social worker, a doctor, or a trainer. But rather, a friend, a man, a cutie with the best smile and eyes that suck me in, and keep me daydreaming for days. Someone who never comments on the crap in my life or the state of my place, only listens to what I choose to say and not the small town gossips, talks with out worry or heartache, and says not to worry his house is a mess to. A guy who if he's around will take the time to play a game of tag with the kids just because, a guy's guy that baffles me and confuses me, and interests me all at the same time, while not trying to hide his flaws and imperfections. So when his godson made a comment "let's go in age order: me first, then Guy, then Girl (me being the girl and the same age as Guy), I laughed and said what? I'm not the oldest! How old do you think I am? and he said 40. I asked how old he thought his dad was, he said 30. He was wrong on both accounts, since we are both early 30's, but I looked to my friend and asked him how old do you think I look? I know typical girl question, and a question that I thought was in the male handbook given to all boys the day they got their first hard-on. You know the one? the one that has the answers to the questions, "Do these pants make my butt look fat?" "Does this haircut make me look old?" " Is she cuter than me?" You know those ones. with the strict instructions to deny, deny, deny? yeah apparently he didn't get this book, either. How did he answer? He answered " You look 35-36, 5 kids will do that to you." What? What did he just say? And then proceeded on with " I still get carded". Yep, WHACK! A big ole' baseball bat out of nowhere, knocked me over. I just went with it and went last, since it turns out I'm a few months older once we did the birthDAY check, (not birth YEAR) same year different month. Now I know that this should not still be bothering me 2 days later, but it is, and it's become another one of those things that I need to fix, or erase, so that one day I will never, ever, ever hear it again. I think this one is even worse because I don't think I look old, no age spots, no weird pigmentation issues, no scars. Actually I thought my face looked better than ever, thin and trim brows and no stray whiskers or noticeable upper lip hair ( I am very fond of hot wax and tweezers!), no double chin, the only wrinkles I see are frown lines, no visible greys, neutral makeup with foundation/powder, mascara, and lip gloss. I wear a size 6 jean, dress age appropriately for the most part ( if anything I dress to conservatively!) and have all my teeth, white and strait. I am saddened that my self esteem is so low that this phases me, perplexed how the heck to fix it, and frustrated at Guy's response. I have spent the evening searching the internet for some help on this problem but it turns out stress, and abuse, and inadequate nutrition can make one age prematurely and there really isn't anything that can be done about it.

baby steps

I have just discovered that I do not know how to flirt, when men are hitting on me, or have any self-confidence at all.  For the many years that  "that man" and I were married, I was not allowed to look at other men, I was not allowed to touch them, to shake their hand, to look them in the eye.  A few months ago when my farm helper started, I didn't even know what he really looked like for the first 3 days, if anyone had asked me describe him, i would have said he was big, and wore black work boots.  That was all I could tell you.
My mom keeps telling me I need to get out and meet people, because the other thing I wasn't allowed to do was have friends.  Before "that man" left I knew 3 people socially here, that's it 3 that would recognize me walking down the street, 3 that would stop to say hi, and those 3?  Those were his best friends who would come and get high with him, the ones he would go sit in the pub with and get drunk, the ones he would spend our only free day (no school no markets) with instead of us his family.

My mom is insisting I get out and do things, that I go to breakfast, sign up for classes, go back to school, go meet people anyone, men - women - old people -collage students - she doesn't care, just people.  That I go and make friends and acquaintances, even that I think about maybe looking for someone to date.  That would be great and fine and dandy for most people, but here's the thing, I am incredibly shy, before now I had never been out with the girls, I am not a joiner, I don't belong to clubs, and I don't go to work, I work at home, and I am a stay at home mom.  Add on to that the years of abuse that have sucked any self confidence I did have out of me and down the drain to the point where I was afraid to get dressed with out his approval, would be berated for cooking a new dish for dinner, and that I constantly wasn't good enough, I was overweight, sloppy, lazy, etc.etc.etc.  and you can get an idea of where I am starting from.
Complete beginning, not even 1st day of kindergarden beginning, but 1st day of pre-school beginning 

I have found a little dinner that I have been going to once a week, the first time I walked in I was so nervous - it't the kind of place that has regulars, where when the ladies see your car pull up they pour a cup of coffee, or tea, or whatever your normal drink is for you and have it ready when you walk in the door.  I love my little dinner, i have taken the kids there, they seem to like it to, but I am so afraid they will tell "that man" where it is, and then it won't be a safe haven for me anymore.  I have considered asking some of my new friends to meet me their, but afraid they won't understand why I like it so much, not that their opinion should even matter.

So flash forward to this weekend, my baby girl now has a bed at that man's house and I have no excuse to keep her home with me.  She had her first sleepover night on memorial day weekend, and did fine.  So now it was time for me to step up, and step out.  I planned all week to go to the local dive bar, figuring that was as good as any place to start, it's small it's dark, maybe I could blend in.  I was excited and confident, or so I thought.  And then I dropped the kids off, and that man asked the kids a question that pulled the wind from my sails.

"Is your mom pregnant?"  What???  How in the world?  What is he thinking?  Why on earth would he say that to them?  And no I am not pregnant, their is no way I could be pregnant, it is simply absurd.  But that was enough to rattle me to losing my cool.  I went home, thinking I must be looking fat, must be wearing clothes that fit wrong, must be...  i curled up on the couch with a blanket and moped.  And my mom called.  Now anyone that knows my mom knows that she can hold a grudge, that she will repeat things over and over till you can repeat them back in your sleep, and who does not understand quite how much his actions affected me.  She gave me a verbal kick in the butt, told me to get up and finish my work (I had market in the morning), get out of the sweats and off the couch and put my dress back on and go out.  It didn't matter if I went to the mall and walked around, if I went to a coffee shoppe, or the bar, but to go somewhere and talk to someone, even if it was just to order a slice of cheesecake.

I put my dress back on, re-applied my makeup ( i had cried it all down my face) chose my shoes with care, took some cash and left.  I felt like I was going to hurl driving down the road.  I told myself I would just look at the parking lot and if it wasn't full enough ( so I would be unnoticed) I would go back home.  It was packed.  I pulled into a spot and sat, trying to get up the nerve to go in.  I fiddled with my phone deciding to leave it, I fiddled with my wallet and decided to bring it ( who knew?  they might card everyone) trying to decide if I was going to order a shot,. a beer, or a soda,  I finally got out of the car.  I adjusted my dress and my sweatshirt (a new addition to the outfit after my visit to that mans house - I no longer had the confidence for a sleeveless tank dress)  I held my head high, sucked in my stomach, walked across the lot and in the front door, someone said hi, I smiled and looked away, I went up to the bar, it was full of people standing around drinking, I waited for the barmaids attention the girls next to me said something, glared and giggled and walked away.  I ordered a diet coke.  I thought I was going to die standing there, as she slowly took a can of soda out of the fridge, turned around again for a red party cup, scooped the ice into the cup cube-by-cube, took her time opening the can and pouring it in ful to the very tippy top brim, she couldn't have fit a shot in their if I had wanted one, looked lazily around for a straw and then handed it over.  I am sure no one noticed me, but all I really wanted to do was pay her for the drink, leave it on the bar and turn around and leave.

But I didn't, I picked it up and carefully trying so much not to spill and look like an ass, walked into the other room, the darker room, where their were tables and chairs, and a dance floor, and a stage.  Luckily for me, this room was almost empty, I went to the back corner and sat down.  I sipped my soda, it was cold, much to cold, the jukebox was playing a few people milled in the other corner some people walked in and out.  I could hear people talking and laughing outside.  I looked at my watch and told myself I needed to stay at least a half an hour.  I tried to look approachable in my dark corner in the back of the room , like the internet articles and the youtube videos had said to (pathetic right?  I had to look up how to flirt).  The band started they were pretty good, I decided that I couldn't leave after they played just one song that I had to stay for at least 5 to be polite (I have no idea where I came up with this, I really don't).  Some girls came in and started dancing, a couple of guys joined in to, and I was ready to go.  My soda had been long empty and I couldn't bring myself to go up to the bar again, but now to leave I had to walk past oh so many more people, and i hadn't seen a single person I recognized from anywhere (this is the only bar in the town where my kids go to school, where the library is located, my new friends live, and where my secret dinner is.  I thought I would at least recognize someone).  I couldn't sit there and pretend to sit my long empty drink, so I got up the nerve decided to once again hold my head high, put my cup in the trash and walk past all those people, through the door, past all the guys standing around outside and back to my car.  And I was doing good, until I heard my name.  I stopped I was outside where all the guys were and turned around, were they talking to me?  and then my new friends brother was before me.  He was talking, and I couldn't remember his name.  He asked if I was alone? had I been their long?  was I leaving?  Ummm, yeah.  I said something about not wanting to watch tv, and going to the car, and left.  I was so rattled that when i pulled out of the parking lot, I almost hit a car coming down the street, and they honked loudly, I pretended not to notice and sped away, my stomach all in knots.

Well, that didn't go well, not very well at all.  But it was a start.  Maybe next time I should actually get that shot.