Inner confusions

 I not not married, but not single…
 I am too young, and I am too old…
 I am neither here, nor there…
 I am a woman who does a man’s work…
 I don’t belong here, and yet I do…
 I hurt and I laugh...
The smile is perma-glued to my lips, even though it does not reach my heart…
 I want to leave, yet I want to stay…
 I must clean, but I must work…
 I am not a whale, nor fit…
 Am I sexy or trying to hard…
 Do I mother to much or not enough…
 Should I do what is good for me or what I want…

It's the little things in life...

Like this little thing right here that is growing up so fast...   It's hard to believe she's 2, and starting to talk albeit so slowly, it is extremely frustrating at times...  Little moments out of ordinary little days, finding the small joys and making tiny memories that shape our lives...   Once this would have been an impossible dream to take a moment out of our day for breakfast for 2, but now it is just another part of our lives...

Today is a great day...

The sun is shining, I'm sitting outside in my barefeet with out a jacket on and just enjoying all that my little piece of heaven has to offer while the baby sleeps in her crib.  It reminds me what I love about my land, and how much happier I am now than I have been in such a very long time.  It's amazing what a little sun can do for ones life..

Can't he see how he hurts them...

How can That Man  not see how he hurts them, how he makes them feel worthless, unimportant, and in his way?  Can't he see that all his 2 little football players wanted to do was watch the game, the biggest game of the year, and not just part of it, but the whole. damn. thing.

Couldn't he tell how important it was when I asked him to allow them to stay and watch since we have no TV at home?  and last years tears over missing the game broke my heart?  Wouldn't he want to spend every precious moment with his little ones?  bonding with his football boys in manly ways while they still want to do it with him and not be with their friends?  Why is His Girlfriends boys more important than his own?

Who cares if the girls fall asleep on the sofa?  Who cares if they have to be carried to the car?  Who cares as long as they don't?

The boys got in my car and started to cry, cry on the way home because I came to pick them up before the game was over.  I came because I was called and told they were ready to go, I was told to go now, not in 10 minutes, not in 5 but now.  They wanted to come home.  Well, apparently he forgot to ask them what it was they wanted and instead did what he wanted, yet again.  Broken little hearts, yet again...

Luckily I found it on the radio and the radio could get them through the car ride, at home I quickly found the radio station on the internet and now there in their room my football boys are laying in bed listening to the rest of the big game taking in all they can hear, wishing that they could have still been watching it instead, if only that man had allowed them too.

That ship has sailed...

Ah, dealing with ex's, is just so wonderful, especially ex's that are assholes, that practically moved into their girlfriends house a week after being escorted out of our home by the county sheriff.  It is even more fun, when they are jealous of your new "boyfriend", that doesn't exist, don't believe you when you tell them, eye you up and down like they know better and you are a piece of trash, and then turn around and ask for a quickie when they realize none of your 5 little children are home.  Yeah, asshole, I'm going to do you.  Nope, That ship, my friend, has sailed...