why didn't he become a man...

I just don't understand how these past 10 years he never grew up.  Marrying as young as I did, I expected that we would grow together, that we would adapt and learn and explore life together, that we would experience parenthood together, raise our kids together, grow up together.  But somehow he didn't.  He didn't help raise our kids, he never changed a diaper willingly, and unwillingly only changed 4 out 5 kids and almost 10 years of diapers thats not much.  He didn't work hard for the family, he didn't work hard with the family.  He worked hard at nothing.  He did not take responsibility for anything.  He went through jobs like toilet paper, he didn't study to excel, he didn't care

When he told me he was playing bachelor a few years ago I should have taken notice, when he was fired from a job a few years before that for sexual harassment I should have done something, when  he would go and get high instead of going to the park with our first child I should have stepped back and looked at what his and my life was going to be.

I wish when I had talked to him over the summer, when I had told him things needed to change I wish he had listened.  I wish he had looked for a job instead of continueing to ask his dad for money.  I wish he had stayed home at night instead of going off to get druck, and high, and party, I wish he had helped around the house, played with his kids instead of yelled at them, taught them to do things instead of made them feel worthless.

Why didn't he just grow up to be a man...

Valentines Day

This day was peaceful, and I liked that.  Yesterday I made the kids a special Valentines breakfast, I woke them up today with small gifts for each of them (long sleeved red t-shirts that were on clearance from Walmart - 4 out of 5 wore them, albeit not necessarily the one that was meant for them), a nap with the 2 youngest after lunch, and looking through the kids valentines with them after they got home.  A trip to the barn revealed a new bull calf,  I think I'll name him Valentino :)

That man left roses on the front step for all his girls, that was nice of him, his daughters liked them, and so did I, but that doesn't change a thing about who he is.

Not a health hazard

Oh.My.Goodness.  That man is insane, yesterday he told me the house was a health hazard.  I then reacted as I am sure he wanted me to, stopped what I really  needed to get done, like my work, preparing for the weekends farmers market, and sending out new referrals and website updates.

As he drove away, I began to frantically clean, I washed the dishes, I vacuumed the whole house and mopped the floors, I took folded laundry up to the bedrooms, I picked up toys off the floor, and wiped down the bathroom.  I was done as the bus pulled up, and my motherly duties called.  Homework and snacks, valentines and crafts, farm chores and projects, dinner and baths, bedtime and a call to my mom.

My mom said that man knew what he was doing, he was trying to agitate and harass me.  She asked what I cleaned and pointed out, that that is not dirty, it is messy.  I think I knew that, but he just gets to me.  having toys out that kids are plaiyng with, having dishes in the sink or folded laundry waiting to be put away is not dirty.  Even the floors were not really dirty, especially when you consider that we do live on a farm and it is snow-boot season, and there are 5 kids and 2 dogs that frequently go in and out of the house.

Well, he succeeded.  I normally clean after the kids are in bed, when it is to late for me to do any work that requires phone calls.  I ended up calling my babysitters house after 9:15 (yikes) just not something you should do, but I needed to talk with her.  She was already asleep so I spoke with her mom instead.  I couldn't make my calls on the websites or the referrals, I was to tired to prepare for the farmers market (I just wasn't up to 2 hours + of jam making at that point).

Today is going to be a hectic one, as I now have to do all of todays work including prepping for kids tests tomorrow, making snack for one of the kids snack day, and picking up the old dog from surgery at the vets, and domestic abuse counseling, along with what didn't get done yesterday.  Wish me luck.