really? I don't think so!

Today started out great and then made an unexpected left turn, and then continued to baffle me with what had just happened until I was at the point where I sat on the phone with my best friend, while she was outside freezing her ass off with church youth group in abox, with tears silently streaming down my face as I voiced for the first time what the new horrible choices I was going to have to face because of the abusive asshole I choose to marry. But here's the thing, his newest surprise for me i learned over 2 weeks ago, and hadn't told anyone because really why bother? Who needs others shit muddling up your life? Instead I had chosen to keep getting out there and trying to find happyness and fun in my life in aspects I could control, or at least thought I could. Now if I had written this 3 hours ago before I went to the bar with the thought in my head to get drunk this would be a very different story, but I didn't and so it's not.

AS I sat at the bar, drinking my second drink in 5 minutes and staring at the football game on tv, not even trying to be cute or flirty but pissed, and angry, and let down inside, the band began playing a song, one with a good tempo and a beat and words that I knew as I started singing along with the lady next to me as she ordered her drinks with perfectly manicured loong black nails and a precisly ripped shirt I heard the words anew. And they spoke to me and I embraced them and I must agree. I am dynamite damit! I am raising 5 kids on a farm, doing the farm work, working 2 friggin jobs, going to school full time, working my ass off at the gym 5 hours a week, and manage to take care of everything these kids need because $24 a week does NOT feed a kid, much less clothe it, diaper it, give it health insurance vitamins and dental, and pay for classes sports and everything else they need and desire, so I am dynamite damit! And for all those fuckers who think I'm not you can suck it!



Oh and FYI assholes with out any kids, Kids don't make you look older no matter how many you have, on the contrary they keep you young running your ass off with them, singing, and playing and laughing. Domestic abuse is what makes mothers and women look old, assholes like you who treat them like shit every stinking day of their lives until they finally see the liggt one way or another.

time to go shopping

I looked in the fridge today, all that was there was milk, corn tortillas, and condiments. I think it's time to go shopping. Good thing today is the 4th and I get new food-stamps.

God, that is so pathetic, to think of where I came from and all I once had, that now I need food-stamps in order to feed my family. It really doesn't make me feel any better that now more Americans than ever are on food-stamps, 1 in every 6 Americans to be exact. But it still makes me feel awful that if it weren't for Uncle Sam my kids would be hungry, that if things in our lives hadn't changed so dramatically the past year that we wouldn't have food stamps and my kids would still be hungry all the time and going to bed with grumbly tummies, that I would often go days drinking just hot tea ( you would be amazed how far 1 tea bag and a bit of milk can go towards filling you up) and a few bites left on the kids plates at dinnertime.

So, while I don't want to be on food-stamps, and wouldn't admit it to anyone that asked, I am truly grateful for them and the country we live in that can help in ways we shouldn't need them to. And I am eagerly awaiting the day when I no longer need Uncle Sam's help to feed my family.

Me time

Me time is something I never use to get, it's a foreign concept for me.  I am the one that doe the laundry and the shopping; the cooking and the cleaning; the mothering and the fathering, the good little wifey that stays home and does all that can be done including the farming and the animal husbandry; the selling and the marketing, everything and more.  So me time is not something there's just any time for.

And now there is.  It' not that I have any less to do, it's just that every other weekend all my little people disappear to there dads for 48 hours.  In that 48 hours I still have to do the farming and the selling, but after that?    At around 3:30 Saturday afternoon, I go into me mode.  I read a book, I talk on the phone, I go shopping, or for a bike ride.  In the evening I have to do the farm chores sure, but afterwards?  I shower and go out.  It is great to go somewhere and talk to someone, or watch a sports game, or have someone else cook you dinner and not have to think about the dishes for once.  And then Sunday morning?  I sleep, I sleep as long as I want, if I wake up before 10, I turn over and go back to sleep and then I take more me time, right up till about 4 in the afternoon.  Sure I still have laundry to do and piles of dishes, bills to pay and toys to put away, but all that can wait.  Me time comes around for a fleeting period of time and taking that break makes it so much easier to meet the demands of daily life for the next 2 weeks.

Everyone deserves a little me time.